Take Me Home
by aBeautifulLiar
Summary: When a car accident tears Hanna and Caleb apart, they find themselves drawn together after eight years of being apart. At twenty-eight, they have their own lives, their own way of dealing with what happened to them but when they are forced together by something life-changing, they finally have to deal with their past and attempt to move on with their lives, together or not.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: So, this story has been playing in mind for a while, so here it is! This story is set ten years after the girls graduated high school and everything is canon before that point – so all the stuff that has happened in 6b and season 7 is not relevant to this story. There will of course, be plenty of angst as is a common theme in my stories but there will also be a little more romance than usual, eventually. Please, please let me know what you think in the reviews and whether this is worth continuing – I have a bunch of ideas for this and have always wanted to write an AU, older Hanna Marin, Caleb Rivers and Haleb.**

 **All reviews will be so gratefully received as this will probably be the least darkest of my stories, so I'd love to know what people think!**

" _You look as good as good as the day I met you, I forget just why I left you, I was insane... stay, play that Blink 182 song that we beat to death in Tuscon, okay. I know it breaks your heart, moved to the city in a broke down car and four years no call, and now I'm looking pretty in a hotel bar and I can't stop." - The Chainsmokers & Halsey_

At twenty-eight years old, Hanna Marin would have answered the question of how she felt about her life since high school with just one word – satisfactory. Maybe the sixteen year old version of herself would have hated that answer because she had expected so much more, but the eighteen year old version would have felt relieved that despite everything they had gone through and everything that had happened, things had turned out _okay._ She glanced down at the drink that was placed in front of her, before she looked up to thank the bartender. The free drinks she got whenever she visited Rosewood at the hotel her mother had put so much work into was the only thing that made the visit to that town worth it.

Over the past ten years, she had only been back to Rosewood a handful of times that included a total of two Christmas parties with her mom, the court appeal and subsequent death of Charlotte DiLaurentis after she threw herself from the church bell tower, Emily's fathers funeral and the birth of Aria's baby. She had successfully avoided Rosewood and the hell it brought with it as much as she possibly could, and thus, finding herself back there because of the attachments she had made to the people who had remained there. Sometimes, she wished she could have just cut them all off but the longest they had gone without talking to each other was around six months when she discovered her ex-boyfriend and her best friend were a little closer than she would have liked.

The blonde ran her fingers through her hair, before her hands moved down to pull the dress she was wearing a little further down when she saw a man approach her. "Do you mind if I sit here?" He asked, a small smirk on his face that told her everything she needed to know about him, "Yes, I do mind." She replied, lifting the drink to her lips, turning her head from him so he would get the rather obvious hint that she simply was not interested. She was in Rosewood for one reason and one reason only – a wedding. She would attend, she would smile, she would give the happy couple her gift, drink some alcohol from the free bar and sneak away when no one was watching. She loved her friends, she truly did but ten years was a long time for them to grow as individuals and thus, grow apart. With a small sigh, her eyes glanced down at her phone, quickly downing the rest of the drink when she noticed the time – the last time she had been seen in Rosewood was three years prior when Catherine was born and she could only hope she would be as lucky to have to wait another three years before she was forced to return for another event again.

Spencer and Hanna had left Rosewood behind, but five years ago, when Charlotte died, Aria had made the decision to stay in the town she had once hated as much as them in order to be with the man she still loved. Her and Ezra, after five years apart, eloped to Italy for a beautiful wedding and then, just a year later, gave birth to the most precious baby girl. Aria was the first, and at that current time, the only one of them to have a child; Spencer was involved in politics and went back to Rosewood just as often as Hanna did but after whatever had happened between her and Caleb, hers and Hanna's relationship had been strained at best, so the blonde wasn't entirely certain what was going on with her best friend and her life away from the town that had made their lives hell. Emily, similar to Aria, hadn't left after the suicide of their torturer; she had gone to finish college in Rosewood, she had taken a job in their old high school and eventually, had ended up marrying in Rosewood.

And that was how Hanna had found herself in the Radley that day, hating that her dress seemed several inches shorter than it had been when she bought it, about to attend the wedding of Emily Fields and Alison DiLaurentis, feeling wholeheartedly bitter about the entire experience. She had a good life away from the place she had grown up, and whilst she hated how much it hurt her mother to see how much Hanna loathed behind there, she couldn't help how much she missed everything that was the life she had made for herself. She was twenty-eight years old and she was on the path she never thought she would be – when she was a teenager, she had only ever imagined herself following one path and that path had involved being married to Caleb, probably having at least two children by her current age whilst she worked in the fashion industry. None of those things had come true, but then, she supposed, life didn't always go the way in which people expected or wanted. But she had a _good_ life in Boston, but she found herself being dragged back for various reasons to the place that brought up too many bad memories.

And too many bad people, she quickly reminded herself when she looked up and her eyes met, for the first time in five years, with the man she had once sworn she would love until the day she died. She had seen him briefly, after Spencer had called to let him know that they would have to be attending the funeral of the person who haunted their nightmares, and he had come running and for the first time, it wasn't to comfort her. With a small sigh, she put her best 'work face' on and walked over to him, knowing they would be attending the same event anyway, so there was no need to prolong the awkward tension that would be between them since she had told him to get the hell out of their apartment and go travel Europe on his own, eight years before, "Caleb." She coldly greeted, ignoring the shock on his face when she had approached him for the first time.

"Hanna..." He murmured back, looking her up and down, causing her to raise a brow before her glare settled on him, "You seriously should think twice about checking me out, maybe I'll tell _Spencer."_ There was no attempt to hide her bitterness at that, because even at twenty-eight, she wasn't able to get over the fact her best friend and her ex-boyfriend had even entertained the idea that they should be together for even a moment.

Caleb looked confused for just a second, before he spoke, "Spencer and I bro-" The woman gave him a pointed look that said she already knew exactly what happened but didn't want to discuss it. "Are you going to the wedding?" He asked, nervously scratching the top of his head as he shifted on his feet, a small frown on his face. Their eyes met once again, for just a second, only stopped by the rolling of Hanna's eyes, "No, I'm going to miss my best friends wedding." The tone of her voice was laced in sarcasm and it only caused the uncomfortable look on his face to increase. It made her feel powerful to know how much she intimidated him and it was what caused the smirk on her face before she turned on her heel and walked out of the door, without another word or another look at the man she had once imagined an entire life with.

Before she could get to the large gates, he had caught up, his hand stopping her from moving another step forward when he placed it on the gate that had been her escape route, "I'm driving... do you want a lift? I'm going anyway and we don't have to talk or even look at each other but it just seems stupid." He was nervous, she could hear it in his voice, she could see it in his eyes and it only caused the smirk on her face to deepen with every passing second. She almost felt as though she was back in work and he was the petty criminal who was terrified of every word she spoke and every movement she made. With a small shrug of her shoulders, she nodded her head, "Sure..."

He seemed satisfied with that answer, relaxing enough to give her a small smile, before he headed in the direction of his car. Hanna could only shake her head at herself, wondering if this was going to be a huge mistake because any time she spent with Caleb always ended up being a horrendous mistake. True to his word, they didn't say another word to each other when she sat in the front of his car, her eyes only remaining on the view from the window. "You still in Boston?" He spoke, and her eyebrow raised as she turned to look at him, knowing it was just ten more minutes in the car with him before they got to the DiLaurentis house where the wedding was to be held. "I thought you said this ride would be in silence," She half-teased, half-warned him before she bit down on her lip and then nodded her head; her walls were always up, especially when she was around him but she also knew he wasn't the only one to blame for their break-up or the subsequent events that followed.

"I'm still in Boston, I'm a Homicide Detective now..." She trailed off, the words still sounded foreign on her own tongue whenever she spoke to someone who knew the pre-college version of herself. When she was eighteen years old and she had made the decision to attend New York University to study Fashion Design but that had lasted a short period of time before she found herself sneaking into the back of Criminology and Psychology lectures just to try and understand what she had gone through and what she was still going through. It had just taken a month for her to change her degree, and for a while, everything had been good. Things were falling into place; Hanna had found something she was passionate about apart from what she was going to wear and what other people were going to wear. After everything that had happened to them, she supposed, in the end, she had something to thank Charlotte for.

It was during summer break before her Junior year of college that Caleb decided they should do something together, something exciting and something new that would bring them closer together. Instead of the excitement he had been anticipating, she had shot him down quickly – she had already made plans that included a volunteer scheme she had been accepted onto that would take up much of her plans for the few months he wanted to spend relaxing but Hanna had found something she was great at and she wasn't willing to give it up for a few months of fun in Europe. And thus, arguments had ensued and soon enough, he was walking out of the door and she didn't see him again until they landed in Rosewood three years later.

She still hated him, of that she was sure, but she had loved him at one point and that was the side of herself she would never be able to forget. She was meant to be married to him, she was meant to have had his kids, they were meant to be happy but then, she wasn't sure she would have the same life she had right then. What had started as an attempt to understand herself, had turned into something that became her entire life. Once she had graduated, she knew she had to leave the tiny apartment she had once loved so much and in turn, she had to leave New York behind – at some point, she had adored the city and all the memories she had made and was going to make there but then it was tainted with the person she had lost because her own ambition had gotten in the way.

She shook her head and took a deep breath, trying to distract herself from her own thoughts when Caleb spoke, "Wow, that's... wow." His head nodded, his eyes focused on the road and Hanna copied his movements, feeling as though she was suffocating in the awkward tension of the car. There was an overwhelming relief when he pulled up outside the house she had been seeking out with her eyes since the last word that had fallen from his lips. Hanna was entirely certain she had chased after criminals slower than the rate she had gotten out of the car, a murmured thank you falling from her lips before she lost herself in the extremely large crowd that had formed on the front yard of the DiLaurentis household. Caleb had barely gotten out of the car by the time she had pushed her way through to the front door, taking just a second to remind herself to force a huge grin on her face and pretend as though she was happy to be in Rosewood.

And then, the moment she walked into the house that looked so different now that it was a home that Alison and Emily shared, she realised everything she had missed out on. Her friends were all there, with their respective partners if they had one, and most importantly, the beautiful baby girl she had met just a handful of times but had spoken to so many times via Skype. They were laughing, and joking and for a moment, no one noticed her walking in until a happy "Aunt Hanna!" Was heard from the hyperactive toddler who ran (stumbled) towards the blonde, who outstretched her arms to greet her with a laugh when her arms finally wrapped around her, "Hi beautiful," She kissed the top of the little girls head and held her close to her as she smiled, she may have hated Rosewood but she had missed the things that remained in Rosewood more than she had ever allowed herself to admit.

With a one armed hug to all of her friends in turn, as she held the toddler on her hip, she wondered if her life surrounded by all these people all the time, would have made her life more than the satisfactory life she held in Boston. Small talk was made, and Hanna was more than happy to play babysitter to the girl she barely got to see as often as she would have liked as they waited for the wedding to start. "Hey, didn't Alison say this was going to be a small event?" She questioned, when she looked around – of course, she didn't expect anything less from the woman she had yet to see because it was bad luck for Emily to see the bride before the big moment.

Emily scoffed as she downed what was left in her champagne glass, her eyes looking around at the crowds of people that seemed to be taking over the house. The rest of them let out a laugh and nodded their own heads, none of them actually expecting Alison to have made anything less than a huge deal of her wedding day. And whilst Alison and Emily were the last two people Hanna had expected to get married, but she could just tell by the smile on her best friends face that she was beyond happy. Hanna was the last person out of the five of them that anyone would have expected to become a single, career focused woman, and she could always tell by the constant prying questions about her love life that it was the last thing anyone could have expected for the way Hanna had turned out.

The wedding was just as spectacular as Hanna had expected it would be – the sun was shining, the yard had been turned into a beautiful, flower covered and for the first time, Hanna got to witness the love between two of her best friends and she understood how she was sitting there right then when she had struggled to believe it beforehand. It wasn't until afterwards that she remembered the master manipulator that Alison had always been when her eyes settled on the names of the table she was expected to sit at – of course, as she expected, there was Aria and Ezra, Catherine, Spencer and whatever the name of her boyfriend was that Hanna had already forgotten, herself and then... Caleb.

Rosewood was her own idea of her personal hell, but as her ex-boyfriend sat down next to her with a huge smile on his face that told her just how satisfied he was that they had been stuck together, she realised just how awful her short trip was going to turn out to be. His mouth opened to talk and she turned around to settle her glare on Alison, only to be met with a knowing smirk on Emily's face who just wiggled her eyebrows. "I'm going to kill you," She mouthed, only for Emily to turn back to her wife to whisper something in her ear and Hanna had to turn back to face the people on the table she was meant to share, but who all seemed preoccupied with each other, and finally, she was forced to turn to the man who had a sparkle in his eyes and a small smirk on his face, waiting for him to say whatever the hell he had to say so she could find a way to shoot him down and ignore him for the rest of the night.

"So, did Emily and Alison tell you I'm moving to Boston?"


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thank you for all the reviews, please keep them coming! This chapter fills a few of the holes that may have remained in the first chapter, as it details Haleb's history together a little more and goes into their break-up a little more. I have a bunch of ideas for this story and the next chapter will be set in Boston, with a few more flashbacks and a lot more Haleb scenes, along with more of Caleb.**

 **Trigger warning (and spoiler warning too, I guess but this has to be put in just in case) – this chapter does contain the implied loss of a baby.**

" _She doesn't love you like I do, she doesn't have my name. However she tries to act like it, she'll never be the same. But she's new and she's beautiful, you've never been in a fight... oh yeah, it's awfully perfect now, but you just know deep inside, she is not me." - Zara Larsson_

Hanna stared at the man next to her as she waited for the words to settle in. Her heart thumped uncomfortably against her chest and she could feel the tension rising between the two of them as every second passed. Her hands trembled slightly and she moved them to grip onto the edge of the table as she bit down on her lip. Eventually, after a few moments of silence, her grip dropped from the table and her chair scraped back as she quickly stood up, "I need a drink." Was all she mumbled, ignoring the slightly hurt look on Caleb's face before she rushed off towards the bar.

Boston was a big place, she had to keep telling herself as she ordered her first drink and downed it before she told the bartender to keep the drinks coming. At least until she could process the news that her ex-boyfriend was going to be sharing a city with her; it was selfish, but she had moved from New York to ensure she would have no memories of him wherever she ended up but now, he was going to be there. He was going to be in _her_ city, doing whatever the hell it was he did and she just had to keep telling herself that it was going to be okay because Boston was a huge place, would she even bump into him?

She groaned when she could feel him next to her, listening as he ordered his own drink before he turned to her, "Are you stalking me now?" She snapped, not giving him a chance to speak, but the way he looked away from her and his cheeks turned a light shade of pink made her feel as though she still held the power, even after the shock announcement he had just made. She downed her second drink and motioned for the man behind the bar to pour her the third before she took a deep breath and looked down at the glass she held in her hand.

"You can't move to Boston..." She looked up, their eyes meeting before she averted her glance back to the glass the bartender was filling up, "I don't want you to move to Boston. You can't just walk out on me and then decide eight years later that you're going to move to the city I live in. There's like... fifty states, move to another one, move to another city, move anywhere other than Boston because I don't want you there!" Perhaps she was over-reacting, because those thoughts in her head that Boston was a huge place was entirely true – she had no chance of bumping into him unless he somehow managed to move into the same building as her, work within the same distance as her, go to the same coffee place as she did...

"Hanna, you can't tell me where I can and can't go." He was starting to get annoyed – she could tell by the roll of his eyes and the way he gripped onto his glass a little tighter. "I don't care whether you like it or not anyway, I just wanted to let you know before you saw me around and accuse me of stalking you again." _Boston is a big place,_ she had to tell herself again as she slammed her now empty glass down on the bar, grateful when the bartender seemed to be getting the hint when he poured the whiskey straight back into her glass. "We're going to be working in the same building after all."

She wanted to scream, she wanted to throw the glass in her hand across the room, make a scene, tell Emily, Alison, Aria and Spencer and whoever else knew that she would have to see Caleb again, that she hated them for not pre-warning her. "Right, that's great, that's wonderful. Wow." She grabbed fifty dollars from her purse and handed it to the bartender, "It's a free-" She shook her head, "Give me the bottle," She instructed, holding out her hand as the intimidated man quickly handed her what she wanted and tucked the money into his pocket without another word before she turned around and walked into the currently empty house. She had gone to Rosewood for a wedding, she was only meant to be there for a day which, in her mind, was not long enough to hate where she was. A day should have still been with the rose-coloured glasses and the sentiment, the happiness of being around the people she loved so much but instead, a few hours in, she could think of a thousand more places she would rather be than right there. Caleb followed her, as she expected he would because both of them could feel the argument that was brewing between them and as much as Hanna hated Alison and Emily for putting her in this situation right then, she didn't want to be known as the crazy blonde who started a scene at their wedding.

The minute they were alone, and she had slammed the bedroom door behind him, she took a quick swig of the whiskey bottle she held in her hand. Her eyes glanced around at the bedroom she assumed used to be Jason's, settling the bottle down on top of the nearest surface before she turned to him. "I have done everything I can over the past... almost eight years... to get the fuck over you and what happened, and I'm over it, I'm over you but then there you are, with your pathetic, little smirk telling me you're about to move to the place that I call home, and work where I work like it's nothing!" She held her hand up when he opened his mouth to respond, "No, I'm not done. I'm not- why the fuck would you do this? Why can't you stay in New York and work for the NYPD, or why don't you just get your ass here and work for the pathetic excuse of a Police force here? Why can't you move to freaking Africa for all I care?!"

He looked hurt, but that only served to anger her even more, her breathing heavy and her body trembling with the sheer anger that ran through her body. "Are you going to hate me forever?" His voice was calm, irritatingly so and she dug her nails into the palm of her hand in an attempt to calm herself down. "Yes." She settled on, with a small, satisfied smirk on his face when he couldn't hide the pain in his eyes. When did she become the person who so enjoyed causing pain to another?

A silence followed, an awkward tension filling the room before their eyes connected and before Hanna knew what was going on, their lips touched. She could barely remember who had made the first move, and she wished she could say it was the first time since their break up that she had found herself in the exact same situation she was right then as her fingers fumbled for the lock on the door and her back pressed up against it as Caleb pressed his body against hers. She suddenly remembered why they couldn't be alone together because she could try and hate him as much as she wanted and she could tell herself that she felt nothing other than distaste towards him but still, every single time his hands clumsily fumbled with her dress and her fingers moved to unzip his pants. "I hate you," She whispered when his lips pulled from hers to bite down on her neck as he lifted her up and her legs wrapped around his waist and he yanked his boxers down, "I hate you, too." He replied, before his teeth sank down on her collarbone and she let out a small moan as her eyes fell to a close.

Hanna stared at her reflection in the mirror when it was over, running her fingers through her messy hair as she bit down on her lip. Her fingers fumbled through her purse as she tried to find her make-up, "This is exactly why you can't move to Boston." She muttered, as she looked up at the reflection and saw him behind her, trying to tidy himself up, "Is this why you didn't invite your wife to this? Because you knew this would happen?" And there it was, the dreaded word she always tried to avoid – Caleb was married, Caleb was married to someone other than her and yet, she still found herself sleeping with him every single time she saw him. Despite the fact that some poor woman would be sitting at home waiting for her husband whom she thought to be loyal and loving. Hanna had never met her, she had no interest in meeting the woman who had gotten the man Hanna wanted, but that didn't stop her feeling sorry for her.

The guilty look on his face said it all, but he didn't comment and he wasn't wearing his wedding ring which only made Hanna believe even more so that the entire thing was planned. "Maybe this is exactly why I should move to Boston," He finally said, moving a little closer to her before his lips pressed to the back of her neck and then her shoulder, only causing her to flinch away with a raised brow. "Go home to Mrs Rivers, Caleb." He let out a sigh, and took a step back – for a moment, and just for a moment, it looked as though he was going to say something but instead, she watched as he unlocked the bedroom door and walked out without glancing towards her, leaving Hanna standing there with tear filled eyes, forced to watch the man she still loved walk out of her life once again.

 _The glass smashed against the wall and Hanna watched as the pieces shattered onto the floor and Caleb jumped as far away from the offending object as he possibly could have. His eyes stared at the pieces of glass that Hanna had just thrown directly at him just seconds before, until he turned back to her with a look in his eyes she had never seen before. "Just leave!" She screamed at him, grabbing another glass from the side, a look in her eyes that told him not to take another step closer towards her._

" _Hanna, let's talk about this..." He seemed tired, they both were because for the past two months, all they had done was argue. They screamed at each other, Hanna threw stuff at him, he usually ended up storming out and when he got back, she pretended to be asleep so they wouldn't have to talk. "I'm done talking, I need you to go. I need you to go to Europe and I need... I can't be with you. I don't want to be with you."_

 _She uttered words she had never expected to fall from her own lips and by the surprise on his face, she knew he never thought this moment would come, either. They were barely twenty-one years old, she had met him when she was fifteen and she had thought, since then, that they would spend the rest of their lives together but it had almost been three years since they had left Rosewood behind and started their new life in New York and Hanna realised, not for the first time, that she was done forcing herself to stay with the man just because he was familiar._

" _It's not the same since we lost Alice. It'll never be the same again." At those words, tears filled her blue eyes and she gulped, putting the glass back on the side where she had taken it from before she moved towards the bed and settled on the edge of it, her fingers moving towards the tiny pink blanket she always kept close to her. "If Europe is what you need to heal, then you go to Europe, but I'm staying here." With a sigh, Caleb scratched the back of his neck and for a moment, his eyes moved to Hanna and then back towards the door before he grabbed his pre-packed bag and nodded his head. He had been begging her for months to go with him, so she couldn't blame him for finally leaving._

 _His hand moved towards the door and she watched him, before he turned his head to give her a small, sad smile, "It happened to me, too, you know? I lost our daughter as well." She nodded her head, the tears finally falling as she smiled at him in a way that matched his own, "I know, Caleb and you do what you need to do but I can't do this anymore. Just go to Europe, do what it is you need to do and I'll do what I need to do." He nodded his head and with one final look, as though he was waiting for her to change her mind or for his mind to change, before the door opened and then he was gone._

The blonde wiped at the tears that fell down her face, opening up her bag to lift the tiny, pink blanket from it as she took a deep breath. Him going to Europe had changed everything – at some point, she had believed it would do their relationship the world of good, she had told herself that it was just a break that they could come back from but in Europe, he met Spencer and with Spencer, came these feelings that Hanna only found out existed because Spencer had gotten drunk and felt guilty enough to phone her one day. And then after Spencer came Lucy (Hanna never mentioned her, she could mention Caleb's fling with her best friend in passing with a smirk on her face but a bitter resentment in her tone but she still couldn't find herself to talk about the wife that should have been her), and Hanna quickly realised that there would be no her and Caleb again. Unless she counted the handful of times she found herself unzipping his pants as he removed his wedding band, another fact she usually swerved from her mind when she was in denial of everything they had become – every few years, she temporarily found herself being the other woman and she hated herself for it.

Caleb was moving to Boston, nothing she could say or do would ever change that. He would be working for the same police force she did, he would be working in the same building she was and probably drinking at the same coffee place she did. Maybe he'd bring his wife, maybe she'd finally have to meet the woman who had everything she had once wanted, the woman she unjustifiably hated for doing nothing other than falling in love with someone who was no longer Hanna's.

With a groan, she ran her fingers through her hair, tucking everything back into her purse, before she left the room without so much as a glance behind her. She had to plan her escape from that place, one that included a quick goodbye to the people she loved, a reminder that she was going to talk to Emily and Alison the moment they got back from their honeymoon and a glare at anyone who dared to mention the possessive bruises on her neck and chest before she could quickly escape the DiLaurentis household. Maybe she'd even make them promise that the next wedding, or the next childbirth or any other event that would be coming up next would be anywhere other than Rosewood.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Thank you for all the kind reviews! Just a trigger warning for this chapter – it does involve the description of the loss of a child and descriptions of a car crash that will continue throughout the rest of this story. I promise things will be happier from this chapter though as I try to dabble in the world of more romantic/happier writing... attempt to, anyway.**

 **Disclaimer – I own nothing other than the general plot of this story, but the characters and some of the words from season seven, episode six belong to the creators of Pretty Little Liars.**

" _I dreamed a dream in time gone by when hope was high and life worth living. I dreamed that love would never die, I dreamed that God would be forgiving... then I was young and unafraid and dreams were made and used and wasted. There was no ransom to be paid, no song unsung, no wine untasted. But the tigers come at night with their voices soft as thunder as they tear your hope apart as they turn your dream to shame." - Les Miserables_

Hanna smiled as she looked down at her stomach, resting her hand on the growing bump before she felt Caleb's hand on tops of hers. Both of them had huge grins on their faces, on their way home from a scan, both of them equally excited to send the photographs they had of their baby girl to their parents and best friends. Neither of them said a word to each other but their eyes met for just a second, before it was interrupted by bright headlights, the sound of a horn beeping loudly before she lurched forward. There were screams, they seemed too far away to be her but her throat already felt raw, as though she had been screaming for hours.

The blonde shot up in a sweat, clinging onto her bed sheets as she struggled to find the air to breathe. Tears fell down her face and her hand flew to her flat stomach with a broken sob – it had been a while since she had a dream about that fateful night, and then it came back with a sudden force that shattered her every single time. She could feel the pain radiating through her body but she knew it wasn't real – the physical pain had stopped years before but sometimes there was that phantom pain that reminded her that she had been pregnant, that she had been so happy once.

Hanna tried to shake it off and moved to climb out of her bed before her shaking hand moved towards her phone and she hovered over Caleb's name – it had been two weeks since the wedding and she had bumped into him in the coffee line at work more times than she would have liked. He had grabbed her phone from her once and typed his number in, and she had just raised a brow and told him she wasn't going to call him, or text him, or _anything_ him but she had thought of nothing else since he had typed those digits into her phone. Her eyes averted to the time, seeing the clock flashing with two in the morning and she gulped before she pressed the green button and held the phone to her ear.

Her heart thumped uncomfortably and the images flashed before her eyes of that night. She could see the blood stained glass, she could hear the rush of people asking them if they were okay, telling her to stay still when they noticed her six month bump. And then he answered, and she struggled to breath, let alone talk before she let out a choked sob and she could hear him hurrying around – she wondered if his wife was asleep next to him, if she was wondering where he was going, if she knew that Caleb had been sleeping with someone else when he had promised himself to her and only her. "Hanna, tell me your address." Should he have said her name out loud? Lucy would hear him, she'd know where he was going and whilst Hanna selfishly didn't want to share her ex-boyfriend, the man she was once going to marry, she didn't want to be the reason for a marriage breaking up.

Somehow, through all her confused thoughts, the tears and her panicked breathing, she managed to get the words out, enough so that he would be able to understand what she was saying. "Okay, that's not far from me, I'll be there in five minutes, okay?" His voice was calm, but she could hear the way he was rushing, and she didn't reply before she hung up the phone and stumbled out of her bedroom. For those who didn't know her, completely and truly know her, they would think she had everything she could have wanted – a successful career, a beautiful town house, wonderful best friends – but the reality was much harsher. Hanna took a deep breath and made her way down the stairs, giving her doting German Shepherd a pat on the head when he went running over to her the moment her foot hit the bottom step. With a sad smile, she moved to unlock the door when she saw headlights flashing outside, taking a deep, shaking breath before she opened it up and watched as the man she still loved so much, got out of the car. Bear – her dog – moved to stand next to her, excitedly panting as he looked at the new person heading towards the two of them. The blonde's eyes flashed towards Caleb's hand once he was close enough, noticing, once again, that his wedding ring was missing – did he even wear it?

"Hey," He gave her a small smile, nervously scratching the back of his neck once he stopped at the door, his eyes glancing down at the dog who was itching to jump up on him as he looked from his owner and then to the man, "And who's this?" His hand reached out; he and Hanna always said they were going to get a dog once they got out of their tiny studio apartment. The blonde looked down as she bit down on her lip, "Bear..." She whispered, stepping back to let him in as he fussed over Bear for a moment until eventually, his arms wrapped around her and he pulled her as close to him as she could possibly be. It took a moment, but her arms moved to do the same, gripping onto the back of his shirt as she just breathed him in. The tears started to fall again as she hid her face in his chest and closed her eyes, wishing she could start over. If she could go back that night then she would; maybe she should have fussed a little more at the hospital and they wouldn't have been driving when they did. Maybe if they had made the appointment for a different day, or taken a different way, or maybe if they hadn't driven at all. There was so much they could have done differently that would have meant their story would have been so different right then. The beginning and the middle would have still been the same but she would have gotten the ending she needed and wanted.

They stood like that, in complete silence for ten minutes before she made the first move to pull back, meeting his eyes as he wiped at the tears that had fallen down her pale face with a small frown on his face. "Did something happen?" He finally asked, and she took his hand to lead him towards the kitchen as she took a deep breath in a way to gain the courage to tell him why she had called him. Even when it had happened, neither of them had really spoken about it, they mentioned their daughter in passing but they avoided the subject as much as possible. They skirted around it, they cried together but never said why, they woke up screaming but stayed in silence afterwards. And in the end, it was that hesitation to talk about that night, that ended up tearing them apart.

"I just... had a nightmare." She admitted as she put her kettle on the stove and lit the gas, staring at it before she convinced herself to turn back to Caleb, "About the crash, about Alice..." His face visibly paled as he moved to sit on her one of her bar stools; she could see the effect it had on him even just mentioning her name or that night. His hands shook, his teeth bore down on his bottom lip and it seemed as though he was close to bursting into tears. It was the same way she was whenever she even thought about it. "I mean, it's been a while but I had this case today, some woman got her brake lines cut... she had her baby in the car with her." She busied herself pouring them both a cup of coffee, quickly wiping at the tears that fell down her face before she turned back to him and handed him his coffee as she sat across from him and wrapped her hands around the hot mug.

"I guess seeing you as well just brought it all back. I-I don't know but... it felt so real. Like I was back in that car and you were bleeding and I think I was screaming and everything hurt. We were so happy and then we weren't and it just felt so real. But it was real, wasn't it? We actually lost our baby, Caleb and then I lost you and now you're probably going to have a new baby with Lucy and I'm just..." He quickly shook his head and moved over to grab her hand with his left hand and she was reminded once again of the ring that was missing from that finger, there was barely a mark where it should have been.

"I'm not with her," He admitted, letting out a long, relieved sigh when he had finally managed to tell Hanna what he had wanted to since he had seen her. She had never given him the chance though, she had just assumed he was still married and that he was still cheating on his wife at any given chance. "It's why I moved to Boston, we got divorced... she said she couldn't compete with you, that we weren't going anywhere. We had come to a stand still, I didn't want a child with her, I didn't want to do anything with her... I thought getting married would fix it all because I couldn't have you but then... it just ruined everything." His honesty made her pull her hand back as she stared at him in shock, her eyes wide when she took in those words. He was no longer a married man, he was completely and truly single which was why he had said her name when he answered the phone, it was why he no longer had his wedding band on, it was why... he had told her he needed to talk to her multiple times at the station and she had cut him off every single time.

Hanna ran her fingers through her hair and finally, looked up to meet his eyes, "So you're not going to have a replacement baby..." At that, his eyes rolled, a flash of anger flaring up in his dark eyes as his hand tightened around hers, "No baby would ever be a replacement for Alice." It had been a while since she had seen such passion in his eyes, so much anger that she hadn't even known existed and it made her feel... good. Good because she knew that somebody else felt the same anger and hatred that she did. Hadn't they already been through enough in their lives? If there was a God, why would he do that to them?

"I know, I'm sorry... I don't know why I said that. I'm still... bitter and I don't even know why. I was the one who broke up with you, I ended it because...neither of us could move on from what happened. I couldn't..." She trailed off when the tears fell, "Alice died, you almost died... we almost died and... we just tried to carry on with our lives as though nothing happened but we failed. And then you were gone and I was just relieved... devastated but relieved because I could force myself to try and forget about every bad thing that happened and I wasn't faced with this huge reminder. I wanted you gone because she was a part of you and you reminded me of her and then by the time I realised I didn't want you gone, you were married and you were happy. I thought you were happy so I shut up and I tried to live my life without you because that was the path I chose and..."

He had moved to stand up and his lips were against hers but for the first time since they had broken up, the kiss was hesitant, soft, loving as his tears mixed with hers. Eventually, he pulled back and his forehead pressed against hers, as she attempted to catch her breath. "Our baby is dead..." She sobbed, and she moved to wrap her arms tightly around him, "I know, I know." He mumbled against her hair as tears fell down his own face.

"Stay with me, tonight... please? I-I have to be up for work in a few hours..." Their noses nudged together and they softly kissed once again, a small smile on both of their faces as she slid down her seat and took his hand in her own once again, this time to lead him up the stairs towards her bedroom. She felt as though a huge weight had lifted from her shoulders, she had finally said those words out loud and she had said them to Caleb which she never thought she would. When they had spoken before, it had been short, tense and had usually ended in passionate, desperate sex in an attempt to say all those things that they couldn't say. This time, everything was different – she had finally admitted things she had been too stubborn to say to him before. She had wanted to focus on anything but the fact they had lost their precious baby girl, she had wanted to move on and pretend as though nothing had gone so horribly wrong. Boston was meant to be her fresh start, but she knew that would be impossible if she never admitted what she needed to admit to herself.

Her eyes glanced towards the clock when she got back into her bedroom, knowing they would have just three hours before her alarm went off but even if she just spent those hours in his arms, feeling loved for the first time in eight years, then it would be worth every exhausted, snapping moment that would follow in the hours afterwards at work. Once he was settled in the bed, she moved to lay down next to him and rested her head on his chest so she could remind herself that his heart was still beating. Maybe she'd thought she was going to lose him at some point but he had survived, they both had survived despite everything.

 _There was screaming, it didn't sound as though it was coming from her but she was so sure that it was. Her hand pressed against her bump and she let out a sob when the pain increased with every second that passed. Her body was shaking, there was blood everywhere, she could hear people rushing around their car and then she felt a gentle hand on her shoulder as a voice told her that everything was going to be okay, an ambulance was on it's way. Slowly, her eyes moved towards the person who was sitting next to her, the man who's hand had been so happily on her bump moments before but now he was unconscious, bleeding, his hand had dropped and he was so completely still that it terrified her._

 _She called out his name but he didn't respond and then there was an indescribable pain that ran through her body but started with her stomach. She stared down and moved her hand slowly towards her legs, she stared down at her blood coated fingers and she felt herself beginning to panic. "She's not moving, she's not moving." She repeated those words over and over until a paramedic was by her side telling her that everything was going to be okay._

Hanna shot up the moment her alarm went off and she rested her hand on her chest in an attempt to control her breathing. Her cheeks were wet from tears she had shed whilst she had been sleeping and she moved to rub her eyes with a frustrated groan. That night, she had been told everything was going to be okay so many times by so many different people and they had all lied. Nothing was ever okay again after that night. Her eyes moved to the man who had just woken next to her, his hand rubbing her back as he adjusted to the morning light and their lack of sleep. Maybe things could be okay, if she could push past the guilt that she had lived, and she still loved. Maybe everything could be okay.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Thank you for the reviews! Trigger warning for this chapter – this includes mentions of the death of a child.**

" _No one can pull anyone back from anywhere. You save yourself or you remain unsaved." - Alice Sebold_

Hanna stared down at the test she held in her hands, suddenly feeling as though she was going to be sick. Her stomach twisted uncomfortably and she tried to stop the tears that stung her eyes, and she slowly moved to let the test fall to the floor when her hand flew to her stomach. Her eyes glanced down at the floor, where the object had fallen to lay among the other nine tests she had taken previously. All said the same thing, the one thing she didn't want to be true because she couldn't go through it all again. Alice was the only baby in the world she wanted and she couldn't have her, so she had stopped seeing her future with kids. She had stopped seeing anything beyond her own career because somehow, that was the only thing that stopped the pain from embracing her, pulling her into the darkness that she knew she would never be able to get out of.

It had been over three months since the wedding, which was the last time she had been with anyone in that way, which also meant the baby was the closest to Alice she could have possibly gotten. And somehow, that made it even worse. Her hands shook as she took a deep breath, she couldn't be a mother, she had been through it all before only to be handed her dead baby and told there was nothing that could be done. She had wanted to be a parent so badly, her and Caleb had been eagerly counting down the days until they would meet their daughter only for it to be destroyed, so completely and utterly destroyed.

This was something she never could have planned for, as she quickly removed her hand from her stomach and moved to stand up. Alice could have been a big sister, they could have been happy, the baby could have been planned. But that was her life – filled with what could have happened, what should have happened and what would never happen. She gulped back the anguished scream that was caught in her throat before she slammed her hand down against the bathroom sink with a broken sob. This wasn't happening, this couldn't be happening.

Slowly, she looked up at her reflection, staring at the person she had become – the hard-headed, dedicated detective who lived to work and nothing else. It wasn't the plan, none of it was really the plan; she was meant to be happily married to the love of her life, with a beautiful little girl running around and maybe another baby on the way. A baby who would be loved and who was wanted, everything that the life growing inside of her right then wasn't. She sniffed and shook her head, at twelve weeks gone, she still had options, options she needed to explore before she told Caleb. If she told Caleb.

 _Hanna grinned as she held the pregnancy test in her hands, it wasn't planned but it was a happy surprise. She loved Caleb and he loved her, both of them had huge plans for the future and she knew adding a baby into that wasn't going to ruin anything. The wait for him to come home that day was antagonizing, as she attempted to busy herself by setting the table, getting his favourite take-out, putting on a little background music and lighting a few candles before she placed the test in a box and tied a careful ribbon around it. She couldn't wipe the smile from her face, and she so longed to tell her mother and her best friends but that could wait, at least until Caleb knew he was going to be a father._

 _When he walked in, she was sitting at the table, barely able to sit still as she grinned up at him and waited for him to join her. "I got you a present," She told him, with a giggle as she slid over the box and waited eagerly for him to open it up and see what was inside. It was only for a split second that she second guessed herself – it wasn't the plan, so what if he wasn't as happy as she was about the pregnancy? She was a college student, after all and he was only just starting in his career, they lived in a tiny studio apartment as they attempted to save up for a home and now she was about to throw a baby into the mix. But the thought ended when Caleb quickly got up from his seat and moved, with ease, to pick her up as he laughed. "We're having a baby!" He exclaimed and she laughed, repeating after him before their lips pressed together._

The blonde flinched at the memory and looked away from her reflection, wiping at the tears that had found their way down her cheeks. They had been so happy, so excited and now she was in the same position but Caleb wasn't hers, Alice was gone and that person she had once been had disappeared and she had no idea how she could ever get her back. This time, as she gathered up the tests, she just threw them in the trash and moved out of her bathroom to be greeted by her empty house. This was the kind of home she had imagined Alice growing up in, it was the perfect home to raise children.

Her fingers ran through her hair and she moved slowly through her house, her hand falling to the door handle of the room closest to her own bedroom before she pushed it open. She had never been able to get rid of all the baby things they had once bought and instead, they remained in boxes in the room she never let anyone go in. Beautiful baby clothes, the crib they had never gotten a chance to take out of the box and build, cuddly toys, scan photographs they had treasured. Everything that was Alice was kept hidden in that room, except for the necklace that hung from her neck – a specially designed piece of jewellery that held her daughter's ashes.

She knew that she wasn't over what happened, that her refusal to talk about it meant that she was stuck. But she had been able to take all that pent up emotion and put it into her work and now that Caleb was back in her life, she had no idea what she was doing or how she really felt. Maybe she had been able to push it all back whilst he was gone but now it was all bubbling to the surface and she feared the overspill. The young Detective quickly moved out of the room and closed the door behind her, before she let out a bitter, tearful laugh.

" _I think everything should be pink." She muttered, mostly to herself as she walked through the store aisles, her fingers brushing over some of the clothes she passed as Caleb followed behind her. He rolled his eyes and laughed, wrapping his arms around her before he pressed his lips to her cheek with a grin on his face, "I expected nothing less." He told her, a smirk on his face as she stopped in front of a pink dress, "She's going to be a little princess." His hand moved over her growing bump, pressing a kiss to the back of Hanna's shoulder before he let out a sigh, "I hope we have a boy next. One of each."_

The woman took a deep breath as she got out her phone and sent a quick text to Caleb, 'we need to talk. Soon.' was all she said before she pressed send, not giving herself any time to talk herself out of it. It was her decision but he had to know what they had created, and what she planned on doing about it.

Caleb frowned as he looked down at his phone, reading the words over and over before he set his phone to the side. There had been a time when he had forgotten how much it hurt, there was the occasional time when he would be able to think about Alice and Hanna with a small smile on his face but now, he was being forced to deal with all of those feelings head on. He still refused to talk about it, he didn't even want to think about it because he had spent way too long replaying the night in his head after it had happened. Maybe he should have taken a different way home, maybe if he had been driving a little slower then the impact wouldn't have been so devastating, maybe if he had taken a little longer at the hospital or if they had stopped for something to eat, or if he had let Hanna go to baby shopping as she had been begging him. There was so much he could have changed that would have made the entire thing turn out so differently.

His eyes closed and he took a deep breath, taking the moment to imagine how their daughter would have been. She would have been seven years old, blonde hair, brown eyes, a beautiful smile that would have him terrified of her being a teenage girl. She would love all things pink, she'd be dressed in dresses all the time but she would also be smart and she would be perfect. Somehow, that was how he had managed to calm himself down every single time over the past eight years – he would close his eyes and imagine the kind of person she would have been, the way she would have looked, the memories they could have shared. It would cause this awful, raw pain to grow inside of him but it would also bring him some peace. She was real, even if they never had a single moment of her, she had been so entirely real and sometimes, that was all he needed to remember.

He slowly made a move to sit down as his fingers moved to run over the scars that littered his arms from the shattered pieces of glass. That night had changed everything, it had destroyed everything good in his life and no matter how much he still loved Hanna, he wasn't sure they would ever be able to get back to the people they had been before. Finally, he moved to pick up his phone and replied back to the woman, placing his phone to the side as he bit down on his lip. He loved her but he had no idea if being in love her was enough, if being in love with that beautiful woman and the things they could have had, and should have had, was ever going to be enough.

Slowly, he moved to open his wallet, taking out the scan photograph he held in there as he was reminded of the day their lives had changed. The photograph he held in his hands had meant everything to them that night, they had been excited to show everyone because for the first time, they could make out what she was going to look like. She had a little nose, chubby cheeks, big eyes... he had no idea that the next time he saw her after that, those big eyes would be closed. He never was able to find out what colour her eyes was, but he imagined them to brown, like his. He imagined her with long, blonde hair that Hanna would braid and place pretty bows in. He could picture his daughter being a big sister to the other three children they had planned on having and then it was gone.

If he reached out and tried to grasp onto that image with every piece of hope he had left in his body, it just disappeared. He wanted his daughter, he wanted Hanna, he wanted the four kids and the marriage and the beautiful home. But he knew that without Alice, there would probably never be a him and Hanna. She was this giant wedge between them that could never be shifted, their one, shared love in that world was gone. He shook his head at the thoughts and moved to grab his phone and his keys, Hanna wanted to talk to him but he needed to talk to her as well, they had so much to talk about.

 _Slowly, his eyes opened, to be greeted with the bright lights and the sound of a machine beeping next to him. He could barely feel a thing, except a hand in his own and he wondered if it was Hanna's, if she was okay and if Alice was okay, hoping that he was the only one who had been hurt in the accident. His eyes closed before anyone in the room noticed, the lights too bright for him to handle, there was something in his throat that stopped him from talking and he felt as though he was choking until he heard the words of the person next to him. The familiar sound of his mother's voice ringing through the air, "How are we supposed to tell him that his daughter's dead and girlfriend has to be sedated just to get through the day?"_

 _The words were whispered, but he would always remember that moment. The moment he had been accidentally given the worst news of his life. His eyes snapped open and he coughed, struggling to breathe as the tears fell down his face. He was screaming Hanna's name but the tube muffled the noise. The beeping got quicker and louder, he heard his mother sobbing and someone trying to calm her down – was that Toby? There was a rush of doctors around him, someone told him to keep calm, to stop moving, to try and regulate his breathing so they could remove the tube from his throat but he wanted to scream at them, tell them it was impossible. And then there was a sharp pain in his arm and everything went black and Caleb had never been so thankful for the darkness._


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Usual triggers apply for this chapter, please leave a review to let me know what you think! Thank you for all the reviews so far!**

" _Surviving is one thing,' he said quietly, his voice suddenly calmer, 'but you've got to have a reason to do it. There's no point in living if you don't have anything worth living for.'" - David Moody_

Hanna had rehearsed what she was going to say over and over again whilst she waited for Caleb to get there, but when he was sitting there in front of her and had insisted on speaking first, her mind went black. She went over his words in her head this time, as she bit down on her bottom lip. The tears felt as though they were going to spill over at any given second as her hands shook and she gripped at the table in front of her to stop them. She had it all planned in her head and whilst she was never going to proposition Caleb and say she thought they should try again, that they could try and be them again, his words still made her keep her mouth shut.

When he finally stopped talking, she nodded her head and forced a smile, pretending as though she was relieved, "Y-yeah, I totally agree, we need to stop." She didn't _want_ to stop but Caleb did, and there was nothing that could be done except for let him think as though she agreed. _Toxic_ , that was what he had called them, as he had sat there in her kitchen and explained to her that he thought they should stop seeing each other. Of course, they worked together so it would be a little harder than it had been when they had only seen each other once every few years whilst they lived in different states, but he thought it was the best thing for them. They were toxic for each other. They were holding each other back, stopping the other from healing, stopping themselves from moving on.

He had sat there and spoke about Alice, their little girl who would soon be turning eight years old, and told her that since her death, there was no going back. There was no Hanna and Caleb because it had once been Hanna, Caleb and Alice and without Alice, what was there left? Well, he told her what was left – two grieving parents without a child. Two people completely and utterly stuck in a hell they had created for themselves; both had become dedicated to work and nothing else, Caleb had done his best to start a new life, thought about starting a new family but he was stuck because no matter what, they somehow ended up together.

Every word he said was like a stab in the stomach, an uncomfortable pressure on her chest but still, she managed to force a smile and pretend as though she was going to say the same thing to him. Her hand found it's way to her stomach and she thought of the growing child inside, knowing her luck – she thought – her baby would die before she got the chance to know him or her anyway, so what did it matter if Caleb never found out? A loss was not a loss unless it was known that there was something to lose.

"That's what I was going to say, so I guess..." She stood up when she trailed off, "Bye?" She cursed herself when her voice cracked, and she saw the look on his face. It was something she could quickly shrug off, something she hoped he would forget when she moved towards the front door. Just as she opened it, and she rested her forehead against the cool wood as she waited for him to leave. But, just as he slipped past her and she was about to close the door, the words fell before she could stop them. A quiet whisper, but loud enough for him to hear because he had been waiting for her to say something; sure, he had gone over there with the intention of ending everything but a part of him had hoped she would fight. A huge part of him wanted to see that spark, to feel it ignite between them, to see something other than sexual tension. "I'm pregnant." She had whispered, with her eyes closed and he had stopped, his hand still on the door frame before he stepped back.

It took him a moment to process everything, and he remembered how happy they had been the last time she had said those words to him. Their arms wrapped around each other, huge smiles on their faces before his hand dropped to her stomach and in his head, he had made a thousand promises to their unborn baby – none of those promises were ones he had managed to keep. "Is it mine?" He finally asked, wanting to slap himself when her head snapped up, the tears finally falling down her face before a glare settled on her features.

"No, I go around having unprotected sex with multiple people." She snapped, and his cheeks turned a shade of red before his eyes glanced down at the floor. She was pregnant, with his baby, again. This time though, there was no joy – instead, it was replaced with the overwhelming feeling of complete dread. He couldn't protect Alice, and he was sure he wouldn't be able to protect this child either. On his first chance to be a father, in his eyes, he had failed, there was no going back from that.

They both stood there in silence, neither knowing what to say. For a moment, they both wanted to be happy, they wanted to be excited about the small life growing inside of the blonde but instead, all they could see was their daughter who never had a chance to take her first breath. She would have loved being a big sister, but cruelly, she had never got that chance. They had never even had the opportunity to be parents, he had never gotten the chance to be called 'daddy' and now, when another parent asked him if he had children of his own, he paused, composed himself and just shook his head. He should have had bragging rights, he should have quickly gotten his phone out and shown a complete stranger photographs of his beautiful daughter who would have her father's eyes, her mother's blonde hair, dimples, and a gorgeous smile.

Quickly, he took a deep breath and scratched the back of his head, before he pressed his lips to Hanna's forehead and then, gently wrapped his arms around her. There was an undeniable guilt rising up within him, because he had spent over half an hour going on about how he thought they shouldn't be doing this, how they shouldn't be together because they were hurting each other and all the while, she had known she was carrying his child. Even if they couldn't be in a relationship, their second child was still a connection between them.

When she sobbed, his arms tightened around her and he buried his face in her hair; this wasn't right. They should be celebrating, or they should be panicking because they weren't in a relationship, perhaps they should even be angry at each other for not thinking of using protection that night and getting themselves into this situation in the first place. Instead, they felt devastated, they already felt a sense of loss before they even had anything to gain and he knew the next seven months or so would be the hardest of their lives as they waited for something that may not even happen. His own tears fell then, when he thought of everything that should have been and could have been, his heart breaking when her grip tightened on his shirt, her anguished sobs only taking him back to that hospital, eight years ago.

 _Caleb had insisted on the nurses putting him into a wheelchair and taking him to Hanna's room, practically begged them when he tried to explain that they needed each other. He didn't care about his injuries, he didn't care about anything other than seeing the woman who was meant to be the mother of his child. The first thing he would always remember, as Toby wheeled him into the room, would be the heart broken sobs coming from Hanna. Spencer, Emily and Aria were all there, he had seen Ashley out in the hallway with her arms wrapped around Ted, crying on his shoulder. Caleb had to resist the urge to ask him where the hell his God was right then, as instead, he focused on the woman he so desperately wanted to see._

 _She was curled up on the bed, her IV drip ripped out of her arm as Spencer was on the bed with her, her arms wrapped around the sobbing woman as she held her head close to her chest. Hanna's hands rested on her almost flat stomach, and Caleb was reminded of the large bump that had been growing before. "Caleb's here," He heard Spencer whisper, but instead of soothing the blonde, it only caused her crying to grow louder, sounding more painful. He had heard from Emily when he had woken up that Hanna had several cracked ribs, a broken collarbone, among others but the only one Hanna's pain was focused on was where her baby should have still been growing. He knew how much pain she would have been, he could see the nurse struggling to get her to calm down whilst her best friends did their best to soothe her, but nothing could be done._

 _When he asked for Toby to move him a little closer, his world stopped when Hanna let out a scream, begging Spencer to get him out, to make him leave. She didn't want him there, she didn't want him. He watched as his friend climbed out of the bed with a look in her eyes that could only convey how sorry she was, before a doctor rushed in and then, the screams died down. The woman he loved so much finally calmed down, the doctor pulling the needle from her arm as he breathed a small sigh of relief. Aria's hand ran through Hanna's hair as she looked down at her, tears falling down her face when Hanna's eyes fluttered to a close and the tears finally stopped._

 _Caleb didn't go back to her room for a few days after that, he had seen the look of pure pain on her face, how it had increased when she saw him. He never thought he would cause that look in her eyes, but there she was, sobbing and there was nothing he could do about it. He couldn't stop it, he couldn't help her because he was in pain as well._

"I don't want Alice to think I'm replacing her," She finally said, when she pulled back and wiped her eyes quickly, "I-I don't think I'll be a good mother, not anymore..." With a sigh, Hanna moved away from him completely and opened the door a little further, "You need to go, this news doesn't change anything you said. You need to go." Her expression had changed, she was stoic, one he recognised as her 'police' face, something she could use to cover up how she really felt. Her eyes, still red and watery, were the only things that gave her away right then, but still, he nodded his head, hating himself for not letting her speak first. "I want to be at all the scans," He told her, with his hand on the door to stop her from shutting it, "And I want to be there for the birth."

Hanna could only nod her head, "Sure, I'll text you when something comes up." His shoulders slumped as he remembered how happy she had once been at the prospect of seeing their baby for the first time, how she could told him over and over again that she felt it was going to be a little girl. They had laid in their bed one night and spoke about their daughter, how Hanna would braid her hair, how she would make her some beautiful dresses, how their little girl would have both beauty and brains (just like her mother, he had told her, which Hanna denied time and time again with a roll of her eyes).

With a sad smile, he moved his hand from the door and stepped back, letting her move to shut the door before he let out a sigh. She was pregnant, with his child and there was nothing happy about the situation. He was wrong when he said there was no Hanna and Caleb without Alice, because they weren't without her, not really. She was still there, reminding them of everything they could have had, and should have had, stopping them from moving on because they were clinging onto the memory of someone who had barely existed in their lives. His hand moved to gently touch the door one more time before he shook his head and walked away, back towards his car as the tears fell down his face. He was having another child, and it did nothing to fill the hole Alice had left.

 _Alice smiled as she placed her little hand on her mother's cheek, letting out a giggle when Hanna slowly opened her eyes to look into chocolate brown eyes. "Wake up, mommy. I've been waiting for you!" Her little girl said, her hand moving to the blonde's shoulder as she shook her gently. Hanna instead, just stared at her daughter; it wasn't the first time she had imagined what she would look like – blonde hair, brown eyes, dimpled cheeks, her hair was long, pulled into a loose waterfall braid with a flower crown to top it off. She was beautiful, and as Hanna reached out to touch her, she realised just how real she felt._

 _Her cheek was warm to the touch, she could see her little chest rising and falling, a sparkle in her eyes, a grin on her face. She seemed real, but Hanna knew it was impossible, her daughter was gone, turned to nothing but ashes but still, she thought, stranger things had happened if one were to ask Caleb about Ravenswood. Slowly, she sat up, letting her feet move over to the edge of the bed, biting down on her bottom lip when her daughter was standing right in front of her. Both of them raised their hands, pressing them against the others with matching smiles on their faces, their eyes met, Alice's nose scrunched up in a similar manner to the way Hanna's did when she wanted something. And then she remembered, Alice wanted her to get up, she had been waiting for her._

 _Slowly, Hanna looked around, the room looked very much like her own bedroom but instead, there were photographs of Alice scattered around the place. Ones she should have had if the car crash had never happened, if her daughter had been born and been given a chance to live. "Come on, mommy, come with me!" Her daughter was impatient, as her mother was, her hand slipping into Hanna's to pull her up, "Come on, mommy, it's time!" Hanna got up, with a playful roll of her eyes and laugh before her attention was distracted by something behind her. Caleb stood there, with a tiny baby in his arms, a hand reaching out to her as he shook his head, "Not yet, please." He mouthed at her, and Hanna turned back to her daughter._

 _The little girl slipped her hand from her mother's, her brown eyes shimmered with tears but she wore a smile on her face, "I love you, mommy." She whispered, putting her hand on her chest, before she took a step back. Hanna's hand reached out quickly, about to tell her she wanted to go with her before there was a blinding light._

"She's back," She heard a voice say, "We have a pulse."


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Wow, thank you for the reviews! This should clear up the confusion and I've left it on a rather less angsty 'cliffhanger' for you to decide! Pop what you would prefer to see in the reviews and I will tally it all up before I write the next chapter!**

" _My life was over; my life had just begun." - Alice Sebold_

Careless.

If there was one word Caleb would use to describe Hanna right then, that would be it. He rested his head in his hands and let out a frustrated sigh, wishing they would just let him see her. He was the father of her unborn child, he should have been able to at least check on the two of them to make sure everything was okay, but instead he found himself sitting out in the waiting room with two of Hanna's worried colleagues who had been instructed to stay behind whilst the others dealt with whatever case Hanna had been investigating at the time. When he looked up, and his eyes were met with the blood stained shirt one of them was wearing, once again, he felt sick and quickly looked back down.

When he had heard the news going around work, and had moved as fast as he could have to the hospital she had been taken to, only when he arrived, to be told he had no _right_ to news on her, or to see her. That he would have to patiently wait until Hanna's next of kin got there, whoever the hell it was. He still couldn't quite explain the hurt that radiated through his body when he imagined her removing his name from that, and replacing it with someone else. He still hadn't gotten to that, according to his own records, Hanna Marin was still the person they had to call if something happened to him.

It wasn't until the doctor approached them that he scrambled up, "Look, I know you can't tell me anything, and I'm really trying hard to respect that but she's pregnant. Did you know that? She's pregnant and the baby is mine so even if I have no right to know how Hanna is doing, I think I have a right to know if my baby is okay." His entire body shook by the time he finished speaking, and the desperation he felt was enough to make the man in front of him let out a small sigh, followed by a sympathetic smile as he placed a gentle hand on Caleb's shoulder. "I just need to know if they are okay."

"Caleb?" He was interrupted by the sound of a familiar voice and with a frown, he turned around and looked at the woman he hadn't expected to see, at least not so soon after. It had been a total of six hours since Hanna had been shot, almost four hours until he had heard the news and he had been sitting in the same hospital chair for three hours, forty minutes. Not long enough for Spencer Hastings to have gotten a plane from Washington; as though she had read his mind, she gave him a small, sad smile, "I was in New York for a conference, thankfully."

"You're Hanna's emergency contact?" He finally managed to get out – it made no sense, Aria, Emily and Hanna's mother were all in Rosewood which wasn't that far from Boston, closer than where Spencer lived, at least. The brunette only gave a nod of her head, "I was the only one who would agree to her medical stuff." She offered as a brief explanation, as though Caleb was meant to know what that meant but he decided to let it drop. At least with her there, he had a chance of finding out how Hanna was. He just watched as she introduced herself to the doctor and shook his hand, remembering the last time he was at the hospital. Laying in a hospital bed had been where he had heard the news that Alice was gone, seeing Hanna in a hospital bed had been the first time he had thought to himself that he was never going to get her back.

He stumbled back, sitting back down on the chair he had made his home for the past few hours, as he listened to the doctor when he spoke. Hanna had been shot twice – once in the chest, another time in the leg – the leg had been a through and through but they had to remove the bullet from her chest during surgery. They hadn't known she was pregnant until Caleb had mentioned it ten minutes before because there was nothing to indicate it on her medical records, but he would update them the moment they did a scan.

Caleb cleared his throat, and rubbed his eyes in an attempt to stop the tears from falling down his face, "Twenty weeks... she's twenty weeks pregnant." He muttered, remembering how long ago the wedding had been, his hand reaching out for Spencer's when she offered it as he looked down at his lap and sniffed. He had already lost Alice, and as a result, had lost Hanna, and now he was certain that he was about to lose a second child and if Hanna pulled through, it would destroy her more so than she already was. Another part of him would be lost and he had no idea how many pieces he had left.

"She's going to be okay, they both are." Spencer's voice was filled with determination, almost as though she knew something he didn't and for a moment, he wanted to fight her on it. He wanted to tell her that she was wrong, that nothing good ever happened for him and Hanna, that he and Hanna were simply not destined to have a child. But instead, he silently nodded his head and bit down on his lip before he looked up at the two detectives who had finally moved to sit down, one of them on the phone as they muttered an update on how Hanna was doing. Spencer, as confident as ever, turned to them and briefly introduced herself, before she asked what he had wanted to ask since the moment he had gotten there, "What happened?"

With a small sigh, Detective Fury as he had quickly told Spencer, looked behind him at his colleague before his eyes met Spencer's, "She was working undercover, nothing was meant to go wrong but someone leaked the information outside of the office and they got to her before we could." The guilt flashed over his face before he cleared his throat, and tried to push it back, "By the time we got to her, they had already beaten her... badly and shot her in the leg. They must have heard us coming because there was another gun shot and... she was conscious when we got there but she never told us she was pregnant. She just told us where the suspect had gone and..." He sighed, "If we had known, we would have told him. She didn't tell anyone, she wouldn't have been allowed to be so involved in the case if she had said something, which is probably why she kept it quiet."

Caleb shook his head, not able to believe that Hanna would so willingly put her own life and their babies life in danger. Then, he remembered how much she had changed, how much everything had changed since the car accident that had changed their lives.

Careless. She was so damn careless with her own life.

* * *

When her eyes opened, Hanna's hand flew to her stomach, a panic rising through her for a moment before she repeated the mantra she had started in her own head the moment she had been taken by the suspect. _You're not meant to be a mother, don't get attached to this baby._ She hadn't told anyone other than Caleb and now, she was sure thanks to being in hospital, the entire office would know including her supervisor and she'd be on desk duty until she decided otherwise. Slowly, her hand moved from her stomach up towards her chest as she bit down on her bottom lip and pressed a hand against the bandage that rested there.

She had been shot, for a moment, she couldn't quite believe that she had actually been shot. She had been close in the past, she had been next to people who had been shot, covered in their blood when she had dropped down next to them and tried to stop them from bleeding out. She reminded herself to thank Fury for pressing his hand against the bullet wound, as he attempted to crack jokes about finally getting to touch her chest after all this time. Everything after that was a mess of blacking out and hearing the shouts of her friends and colleagues, begging her to stay with them. All she could remember for those few moments afterwards, before her world went black, was how she would be able to tell them that she wasn't sure if she had the fight in her. Not when there was someone so special waiting for her.

Another moment passed, and Hanna let her hand fall back down to her stomach, wondering if the baby was still there. If her son or her daughter was still clinging onto life, if he or she still wanted to make an arrival into the world that Hanna only saw as cruel and cold. It was why she was so good at her job – the cases affected her in the same way they did everybody else but they didn't ruin her view of the world. She had already been through hell and back, she had already been through things most people her age couldn't even dream of; she saw the world for what it was and she didn't pretend otherwise. If the baby growing inside of her was dead, because of something she had done, because of a danger she had placed that baby in, Hanna had no idea how she would feel – guilty? Hurt? Relieved? All of the above and everything in-between?

Hanna was careless – never with the lives of the people around her, or the victims and their families with whom she held so much care for, but always careless with her own life. As though the value of living had significantly decreased eight years ago – when she was being chased and kidnapped by A, Hanna would have done anything to live, she would have given the world to just have a normal life. But then when Alice was stolen from her, the fight was gone. Every piece of her that had once held so much dedication towards fighting disappeared and she was left with nothing.

Her eyes glanced over at the door as it opened, wondering if Spencer was there yet – she had no idea how long it had been since she arrived at the hospital, but she hoped it was long enough for her best friend to know what was going on. Hanna loved all of her friends, but after she and Caleb had broken up, she needed someone who would think with their head and not their heart when it came to what she wanted. Once she had gotten the job in the police, she had been forced to think of a series of events that could so easily happen and there was only one person, although she was the furthest away, that she knew would be able to do what she wanted her to do. Hanna had told Spencer everything – if she fell into a coma, then she shouldn't be in one for longer than a month, if there was simply no sign of life, let her go and don't keep her hanging on. Emily, Aria and even Alison would have been too emotional, but Spencer... Spencer knew Hanna's wishes, and that, if she were meant to join her daughter, she didn't want that prolonged for the sake of the feelings of the people she left behind. Maybe it was selfish, but Hanna knew she had to do what was right for her, even if it wasn't right for the people who loved her.

With a small sigh, Hanna felt her eyes falling to a close, trying to remind herself that she was careless, just careless, but not suicidal.

* * *

With every second that passed, Caleb could feel his frustration building, along with the need to throw or hit something if no one would let him see Hanna soon. He loved her, surely that was enough of a reason to let him into that room and check on her? Surely the fact she was carrying his child would be enough? Hanna's heart was still beating, she was out of surgery and the doctor seemed hopeful that she was going to be okay, even if she was in and out of consciousness at the moment. But _her_ heart was beating, was their child's?

Finally, he stood up and, ignoring Spencer, moved towards the desk, "Look, I need to see Hanna Marin, if you can just tell me her room number, I'll find it myself. I just need to see her, okay? I won't stay long, but I need to..." When the tears started, he felt familiar arms wrapping around him, her voice whispering words into his ears as she tried to tell him it would be okay. Spencer should have been a comfort, but all he could see was the way she held Hanna in her arms when she was breaking down about losing their daughter.

" _You're going to get through this," Spencer sighed as she moved to sit on the edge of Caleb's bed, her hand seeking out his with a frown on her face. Her eyes were red, he could tell she had been crying, that the loss of the little girl was felt by everyone who had been so excited about the arrival of the first child to be born into their little group. "I can't pretend as though I know how hard it's going to be, but you and Hanna are so strong, you can get through this together."_

" _She doesn't even want to see me." He muttered pathetically, tears falling down his face when he spoke, but Spencer squeezed his hand a little tighter as she took a deep breath. "She loves you, she loves you more than anything but... she's so angry at the moment. Not at you, but at herself and she thinks you as well. She thinks she failed, and I know how crazy that sounds and trust me, we've all told her but she blames herself and her body and..." Spencer's words were laced with unshed tears but she held her head up and tried to stay as strong as she could for the man her best friend loved so much. "She's trying to process it all at the moment, we all are but she loves you, you do know that, right?"_

 _Caleb was always thankful that someone as logical and intelligent and just so... loving, was in his girlfriends life. Spencer always somehow managed to calm Hanna down no matter what the situation was and right then, she was the voice of reason in his terrified, scattered thoughts. "I do." Was all he managed to get out, before he turned away from the woman and closed his eyes, wondering if he would ever get used to life without his daughter. He was a father without a child, how was he meant to be okay?_

Quickly, Caleb pulled back from the comfort of Spencer's arms, with a shake of his head, "What if this baby is gone, too, Spencer? I need to be in there with her when they tell her because I wasn't there last time, she doesn't have to be alone, not again." She understood, of course she understood because she had been there for them, she had checked on them, she had made sure the two of them would be okay. Spencer had even helped him pack up the nursery after Hanna had broken down and destroyed much of the room. She knew what was going through his head right then but the people who mattered, the people who could give him access to that room, they had no clue. Procedure and policies were the only thing that mattered.

* * *

It took another hour before he found himself stepping into the room, his hand shaking as he looked at the awake blonde, her eyes on the currently blank screen as the nurse next to her lifted the hospital gown to expose her flat stomach. His heart thumped uncomfortably against his chest, and he took in the appearance of the woman he had once thought he would spend the rest of his life with. Her face was bruised, the side facing him was swollen, and he could see a bandage sticking out from the low dip of the hospital gown that made her look so tiny, so vulnerable. "Hanna," He managed to get out, almost wanting to tell her how he had fought to be in that room right then, he wanted to make excuses for why he hadn't been there sooner but something stopped him – perhaps the belief that she simply didn't care. The last time he had seen her, he had been talking non-stop about how toxic they were for each other, how he didn't think they should continue the way they were.

It took the thought of her dying for him to realise just how wrong he was.

Slowly, he stepped towards the bed and his hand fell into hers, brushing his fingers along the only unmarked skin he could find, a watery smile on his face when their eyes met. "You don't mind if I'm here for this, do you?" He finally got out, relieved when she shook her head, before her eyes moved back to the screen. He wondered how she felt right then – was she hopeful? Terrified? Did she feel the same guilt he felt? The same regret?

His own eyes moved towards the screen, not able to stop the tears from falling down his pale face as he bit down on his bottom lip and told himself not to break down. Not yet, not in front of her, not when he so badly wanted to be there with her, and for her.

 _Caleb grinned as he stood next to the bed Hanna was laying on, his hand in hers and his lips moving down to press against her forehead. He could see the excitement and the impatience dancing in her eyes as she looked from him, and then to the screen, before she glanced at the nurse who was applying the gel to her stomach. She was twenty weeks pregnant, and after months of waiting, he was about to find out whether he was going to have a son or a daughter. An Alice or an Oliver. Neither of them could stop smiling, especially when the sound of a beating heart ran through the room and he felt that same excitement he always felt when he was waiting to see that baby on the screen._

" _Do you want to know the sex?" He heard those words they had both been longing to hear – neither of them were patient enough to wait the entire nine months, and even the idea of a gender reveal party had been shot down by the two of them as Hanna groaned at the thought of even waiting another day to find out. He wasn't sure which of the two of them nodded their head first, and his eyes only moved from the screen to catch the smug grin on Hanna's face when everything she had been saying was confirmed. She was convinced there was a little girl growing inside of her, even to the point where she had started to buy dresses that he had found stashed under their bed in a 'secret' box._

" _Shut up," He said, before she could even say anything, leaning down to press their lips together gently, her nose moving to nudge against hers before their eyes moved back to the screen. "Alice," Hanna whispered, "Alice Rose Rivers."_

He snapped himself from his own thoughts, gulping when a sound he didn't think he would hear echoed through the room. Finally, his eyes moved from the screen and he looked at Hanna, waiting for her reaction, expecting something from her but instead, she just closed her eyes and turned away from the screen, silent tears falling into the pillow behind her head. "Everything looks good, healthy size, strong heart beat..." He watched as the head was pointed out to him, the little feet, everything seemed so normal, so... real. His own hand moved slowly towards Hanna's forehead, gently pushing her hair back before, as he had done eight years before, he pressed his lips to her forehead, his body tensing when he heard the other woman in the room speak, "Do you want to know the sex?"


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: I am so sorry for the extremely long wait for this update! I can only blame life getting in the way with constant back and forth to my old city for interviews, work, lack of inspiration and general mental health issues but I hope to be able to update a lot sooner from now on, now that things have died down! Thank you for your patience and I hope this was worth the wait!**

" _Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness." - Desmond Tutu_

Hanna gulped when the question was asked and for a moment, she wanted to shake her head, she wanted to push the woman away from her, wipe the gel from her stomach, rip the IV drip from her arm and run as far from the hospital as she possibly could. She needed to leave, she needed to feel the fresh air on her face, she needed to get far away from Caleb and that look in his eyes. Once, they had the most perfect, little girl and they had never gotten the chance to meet her. Hanna had never seen her open her eyes, she had never heard her cry, she had never gotten the chance to argue with Caleb over who was going to feed her the next bottle at three in the morning, she didn't have the opportunity to talk to other mothers about how much money they spent on diapers.

With the death of her child, came the loss of everything else she had been preparing herself for. Hanna and Caleb had their lives planned out according to the belief they were going to be parents. When that was stolen from them, Hanna had decided she would never give the world a chance to make her feel like that ever again. She would never put herself into a position where she could suffer like that again.

But then there she was, avoiding the screen so she wouldn't be able to look at the baby she had never wanted. Their first baby would have been loved so much, Hanna wasn't sure she could handle loving the second one. Especially if this one was to be stolen from her too. How could she love something that could be taken from her at any given moment?

She realised Caleb was looking at her, waiting for her answer before she finally took a deep breath and shrugged her shoulders, "Sure?" She answered, uncertain but curious – their little girl was a part of her, a part of them both and so was this baby. She didn't want to love it, but still, she couldn't help the way her blue eyes glanced over at the screen and bit down on her bottom lip in an attempt to stop her tears. She took a deep, shaky breath before she grabbed onto her ex-boyfriends hand and closed her eyes tightly.

"It's a boy." Her eyes slowly opened and she looked back at the screen that showed the perfect boy she was meant to be giving life to. She couldn't help the overwhelming relief that ran through her, as though the thought of bringing a little girl into this world would somehow betray the one who had been taken too soon. She took a deep breath and ran her fingers through her hair once she had let go of Caleb's hand, wanting to burst into tears but at the same time, wanting to be strong in front of him.

She muttered a thank you when she was offered some tissue to wipe at the gel, quickly removing it before she slowly moved to lay on her side, closing her eyes as tightly as she could to try and get the image from her head. She was having a son; she was so used to being a mother without a child, it was hard to think that maybe, there was the slightest chance she would be able to hold her breathing, crying baby in a few months. "Do you want me to leave you alone?" Caleb finally asked, the nerves obvious in his voice before he slowly stood up and bent down to press his lips against her forehead the moment they were both alone in the hospital room.

"Sure." The blonde whispered, trying to hold back the tears to no avail – having a baby was meant to be a happy thing, she was meant to be pressing her hand up against her bump, excited to feel his kicks, whispering sweet words to him, hoping for the amazing future he was supposed to have. But she had been there and she had done that and it had ended so badly, all she could think about was attempting to protect herself.

Hanna had barely made it through the first time, she knew she wouldn't be able to go through it again.

Just as he was about to pull away, she reached out for him, "Five more minutes." Was all she said to him, "I-I don't want to talk about it or anything, I just... five more minutes." Her eyes opened and blue eyes met with his chocolate coloured eyes before his hand hovered over her slight bump, and he hesitated before she took a deep breath and gave a nod of her head. She could see the slight fear behind his eyes, the apprehension but also the excitement, the new dad nerves that shone through but in a tense, terrified kind of way that had been missing the first time. They had seen the darker side of pregnancy, they had suffered a terrible loss and it left both of them terrified that it would happen a second time, even if they knew the odds were in their favour.

The moment a tear fell down his cheeks as his hand pressed to her stomach, her own tears started to fall but she didn't move to wipe them away. Instead, she kept her eyes on him, watching the way his mouth opened and then closed as though he wanted to say something but couldn't find the right words. Finally, he seemed to find his voice, clearing his throat, "I'm going to protect both of you, I know I failed last time and I know I failed you when I said all that shit in your kitchen before..." He trailed off and Hanna quickly shook her head, wanting to tell him that it wasn't his fault, that there was nothing he could have done to prevent what had happened that day but she knew anything she said would make her a hypocrite when all she did was blame herself for what had happened.

"Look, Hanna, I know what I said and I know that I hurt you but it wasn't true. None of it was true. I don't think we're toxic for each other... I just think we're both hurting and sometimes, two people hurting can be... bad. But I love you, I love you more than I have ever loved anyone and even if it takes two months or two years, even ten years to earn your forgiveness, I'll be there." Hanna gave him a small smile and shook her head, slowly moving to press her hand against his.

"There's nothing to forgive you for." The blonde muttered, letting out a small groan as she shifted ever so slightly so she could sit up a little. "I just need to get out of here, get my stupid counselling sessions out of the way and then we can talk about what we're going to do. How we're going to handle this." When he nodded and gave her a smile, she was glad the conversation was over and once again, he leaned over to press a kiss to her forehead, "I have to get to work but I'll drop by your house later, if that's okay and get you some stuff?"

"Yeah, thanks... if you ask my captain if you could get into my locker, my house keys should still be there." Once he whispered a goodbye to her, she watched him leave before she looked around at the empty room and shook her head. She wondered how long she could avoid her boss and her colleagues for, knowing that they had found out that she knew she was pregnant long before she went undercover. The fact she had knowingly put herself and her baby in danger wasn't something that would go down well with the powers that be and Hanna could sense a suspension or a huge telling off somewhere in her future. Whilst she hated hospitals, somehow they made her feel a little safer in the knowledge that she could avoid that conversation for a little longer.

* * *

It was another few days before Hanna found herself walking through the door of her house, leaning on her crutches – being pregnant and walking on crutches was never the easiest thing in the world but she knew it would only be a matter of time before she could get back to normal, whatever normal was. Her movements were slow, but the moment she sat on the couch, she let her hand move towards the bump that was slowly forming as she took a deep, shaky breath.

Those few days in the hospital – mostly alone – she had spent most of the time thinking about what she was going to do about the situation she had found herself in. She was twenty-eight years old, Hanna had always assumed she would have her life figured out at this point. She had met the love of her life when she was only fifteen years old, and whilst her life when she was a teenager had been terrifying, to say the least, she always just assumed she would just have her life _sorted_ when she was past Rosewood and through with Charlotte and every piece of hurt and drama she had brought into their lives. When she was just twenty years old, she had embraced the fact she was going to be a mother, and longed for the day Caleb would ask for her to be his wife.

Only, when that was gone, Hanna was back to the person she had been when she was a teenager. She was lost, terrified and confused – all of the plans she had formed for the future disappeared with the death of her daughter. She was a mother without a child, she was a lover without her lover. With everything she had ever been through, all the hurt and the pain she had suffered, she had never felt more alone than she did when she was twenty-one years old. But still, she forced her way through college, she turned into someone she had never thought she would be.

And sometimes, she asked herself whether this was simply the path she was supposed to take.

If Alice were alive, Hanna would be married to Caleb, they would be living in New York and he would be working for the same company he was working for when they first moved there. She would have continued on with her internship, she would have told herself that a career in fashion was all she wanted because it was all she had ever known. Really, Hanna had always wanted something else for herself but she was never certain what or if it could ever happen – the only thing she had ever been good at was knowing how to dress and how to dress other people. If Alice had lived that night, Hanna would have taken the path she had convinced herself she wanted. A career in fashion, a mother to a beautiful baby girl, a wife to the perfect man, living in a beautiful city... that was everything she thought she wanted and so much more.

Instead, when Alice died, Hanna and Caleb broke up and barely spoke after everything that had happened, Hanna switched her college focus to Criminology, she had immersed herself into helping victims of crime, into delving into the criminal mind in an attempt to understand Charlotte, Mona, Alison, even herself and her friends. She left New York behind and moved to Boston, and she told herself – no, promised herself – that she would focus the rest of her life on stopping other people's pain and stop herself from ever feeling pain again.

With this new life growing inside of her, she was brought back to the person she had been before and she wondered, not for the first time and probably not for the last, if she had made the right decisions in her life. Was this the path she was meant to be on or was it the one she was forced to take because there was nothing else? If this was the path she was meant to be on, if this was the journey she was meant to take, that would mean Alice was always supposed to be stolen from her and sometimes, that was a bitter pill to swallow.

With a sigh, she opened her eyes and smiled as she looked up and saw the bright eyes of the daughter that had never gotten the chance she should have. Slowly, her fingers moved to her lips and she blew a kiss towards the ghost of the little girl, watching as she disappeared before her gaze looked back down at her stomach. A little boy. She was going to be giving birth to a little boy in just a few months and for just a moment, she felt that familiar spark of excitement running through her as she whispered a goodbye to the daughter she couldn't have and a hello to the son she could have.

* * *

As the weeks passed, Hanna was beginning to accept what this new future would hold for her. She was on desk duty for the foreseeable future, and whilst she was still slightly bitter and still healing from the gun shot wound, she was trying to see the good in everything. Her and Caleb were starting to get along, he was making her smile again, she was able to make him laugh, they could mention the name Alice without both of them tensing up and wanting to change the subject as quickly as they possibly could.

"What do you think about this?" She turned to face him after she had painted a strip of the baby blue on the wall of what was going to be the nursery. She could tell by the way Caleb's nose scrunched up that he wasn't entirely impressed, and now at twenty-six weeks pregnant, Hanna was growing bored of standing on her feet discussing paint samples that had been occurring for over an hour now. They had tried a few shades of yellow, a few shades of blue, grey, green, brown and still neither of them could agree on what they wanted the baby's first bedroom to be like. Instead, Caleb was standing on the other side of the room with his laptop, asking her every so often about what themes she liked the sound of. Eventually, she rolled her eyes and shook her head, "I swear if you don't help me pick a colour in the next ten seconds, I'm going to punch you in the face."

That seemed to get his attention as he snapped his head up and gave her a small smirk, as though he was daring her to even take another step towards him. What had started out as the two of them trying to be friends for the sake of their unborn child, had quickly turned into flirtatious banter, and whilst neither of them had acted physically on it, they had fallen into something new as they both started to learn who they were. Caleb had been right when he said they were toxic for each other – but he had been right about the younger versions of themselves, the them they were in New York, the them they had once been. Eight years was a long time and in that time, both of them had changed, they still had so much to learn about each other and this was the version of themselves that could move on into a new life together.

"I like the dark green," He finally settled, but Hanna shook her head, "I don't." She replied, causing him to let out a groan of frustration before he finally stood up and walked over to her. "Seriously, it's your house, Hanna, you pick the colour of this and I'll be here to set up all the furniture." She wanted to protest, to tell him that the child was his child to and he should have a say in such decisions but she preferred his idea much more. "I think I'm going to go for the beige, and then I'm going to paint some trees and birds and stuff on this wall here and then maybe his name can go over here and, ooh, maybe this wall can be brown. Yes, two brown walls and two beige walls."

She grinned and turned to him, watching the look on his face as he just shrugged his shoulders and let out a laugh, "You were just waiting for me to say that." She tried to look as innocent as she possibly could but instead, she just poked her tongue out and moved to sit down with her sketch book so she could busy herself with the first bedroom her son was going to have. For a moment, she remembered how perfect they had tried to make everything for Alice, how she had chosen everything pink so carefully and so happily but back then, they hadn't had a lot of money, Alice barely had a room of her own but it had still felt so right despite the difficulty that would come with bringing up a child on just one wage.

"Maybe next time you should just call me when you need the crib putting together." Caleb finally said as he moved to sit next to her, looking around at the large room with a small smile on his face as he thought about the son he would be holding in there in a few months. He watched her face as she focused on the piece of paper in front of her, and he finally took a breath so he could ask her the one question he had been avoiding since they had started their friendship again when she was released from hospital. "So, when he's here... how do you want to work out the whole... custody thing?"

She put down the pencil, and their eyes met before she bit down on her bottom lip, seemingly in deep thought, "I guess..." She finally started, not really sure what she wanted to say until the words just fell from her lips, "I mean, when he's born, it's probably best if you stay here for a few weeks, I can set up the spare room and then we can take it from there." She didn't miss the way his eyes lit up for just a second before he just shot a grin at her and nodded his head. His hand moved towards her bump and Hanna moved her head to rest on his shoulder as she closed her eyes. "Wyatt Ethan Rivers..." She whispered the name they had decided just a few days before, her hand resting on top of his when they both felt a kick that let them know that despite everything, there was still hope in the world that had once seemed so dark and lonely.


End file.
